And we dont have sex. Some are the only people their unemployed partners will talk to about their suffering. He doesnt help with bills except cable because he sits all day and watches tv, he does no house cleaning or laundry. I just began a new job, we need my income without interruptions. Every vacation in the last 4 months has been renigged because of illnesses and finance issues. Then it started the lack of support, the belittling, the name calling. I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. He once got a good part time job but after few weeks he quited because he said it was stressful for him. He keeps the house relatively clean. He makes no money but his excuse is that he has to complete our movie in order to concentrate on finding a stable job- making money. Do it yourself. I feel worried about our marriage, because I sometimes truly think he is wallowing where he could be being stronger and more grateful for all that we do have. Discuss a plan to make sure that both of your top priorities are being tended to. Its true that this is a bad time for men. Its been non stop complaints of how tired he is from having to wake up to take me to work and then pick me up later. I feel like people are judging us and wondering what is wrong with my hubby that he cant find a job. Today, my wife and children will never know the horrors that I saw and experienced because of me taking a stand. He got fired from the first, and the one he currently has is minimum wage. He is actively looking it seems. It really makes her appear rather greedy like she only cares about the extra money I was bringing in as opposed to caring about me and my well being. It has been 6 months since he moved in and he hasnt helped a lick with anything. We have 2 amazing children aged 9 and 5. I hope things got better for you. He sits in his room with his collections. and i have been many of these comments, in fact, i came to this website because this is my situation. But Im still here, still kickin. I just wonder how it will l end. Copyright Townhall.com/Salem Media. I think for many of us women we may have had sad childhoods , abusive fathers .. And so much of this marriage has felt like a replay of that .. Hello All Most important, weve learned how to have a civilized conversation when one person (usually me) feels like theyre doing too much, instead of snapping or grumbling (mostly). By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. First it was an industry crisis. Since then she hasnt held down a regular job, apart from temporary tutoring gigs. At least once a day ask yourself How can I be helpful to my partner? said Marie Land, a psychologist in Washington, D.C. At least once a week ask your partner how you can be helpful.. It not just about money, it is about the unemployed partners attitude. I soooo desperately need some advice and am very isolated and alone in this. He left his last job without informing me to be an entrepreneur. If this is the case, you have a few choices. as the unemployed wife usually do most of the homework n look after their children, it can be a big support to a family). How much longer do I give it? We put on a great facade. So it appears at least, that the only group who benefited from this..are the MEN. All the time. She said she couldnt afford to lose her paycheck. He lacks initiative with things around the home but after a bit of reminding and prompting things get done. Then as things got more comfortable, he started drinking more, and then his personality would change, he was jealous of the friends and life I seemed to have. Its unhealthy and he absolutely needs to see a psychiatrist. And if hes really not trying, consider leaving before its too late. I feel like an idiot, I am smart I swear, I just dont seem to know how to get out of this. We just got a car and for a long time I was taking 3 kids 1,2,6 on the bus at 5 am to get them to.daycare them get on 2 buses and a train to get to work and the same to get home. Thats too high of a price to pay for love much less dysfunctional love. Not to mention he refuses to leave the home we share. Every. The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. But I got myself out of the situation and now my son and I are good. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. I often think I should have left him early on, before kids, but how did I know? We also dont have sex on a regular basis, so there is a lot missing from our already strained marriage. I have been supporting my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. Well, now we have two kids, rent a basement apartment, and most months live hand-to-mouth, because not only can he manage to work all year, he is crappy with his money too, and I make less but usually end up contributing more. My partner has been unemployed for six years. 2. Hes not laying around on the sofa, but all of his job search efforts have brought very little money into the house. I feel horrible but its quite emotionally draining being married to someone who wont help their self. In the aggregate model for wives' housework hours, wives spent an average of 1.3 fewer hours (p < .01) per week in housework when their husband was unemployed than when he was employed, but they spent an average of 6.4 hours more per week (p < .001) in housework when they were unemployed than when they were employed. Women have long been annoyed that they do more housework than men, as demonstrated by many studies, but now they are really steamed. Their first child was born 1 year later, during whose babyhood my sister must went through periods of not having enough money in the household. He lost that job and found a job at a warehouse a few months later. He was a purchasing manager, has a college degree, 25 years experience, long term in jobs- was in his last job for 12 years. Im not talking about the stay-at-home soccer moms who are married to men with executive jobs and 6-figure salaries, Im taking about us working shlubs who get paid hourly and cant live on one salary anymore. I never liked him, but this is different, she pays everything herself from rent to bills to groceries. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. Neither have worked. You should look into any government programs that may subsidize the cost of the training. I write music, I paint, i excersize, I volunteer my extra time, I pay for most datesso one day she says I think we need to talk about you not having a jobits unattractive and I dont know if I can go ondespite the fact that I cant get a proper job because we live and are stuck in south LA, because she doesnt want to leave and be away from her parents! In fact, youd be better off leaving his employment status out of the conversation entirely, says Kathryn Lively, a sociology professor at Dartmouth College who has studied gender and its effects on emotional labor. To all those looking after their unemployed spouse/partner it is hard, it is painful, but if you still have feelings for one another (and trust/respect after all you have been through) I think there is hope. I am losing respect for him and Ive become more assertive in the relationship. It doesnt take 10 hours a day to send out a few resumes which strategy by the way, hasnt worked has it? Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesnt want to be in this situation as much I do. Sometimes you just want to punch the person in the face especially when they are laying in bed and/or watching television when you have to get ready for another horrible day of work. then in 2011 she brought a gang of 4 smoochers for 2 years. And I know without me he has nothing, but I also resent that fact. I just dont think life is supposed to be so frusterating. I have been with my BF for the 7 years. He has not changed. "If I do the things that I'm either good at or I like to do or I dislike less and my partner does the things that they are more interested in doing and dislike less, then the balance works much better.". No one can help you except yourself. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Husband last his job 5-6 years ago and Ive been the breadwinner. Patient through him not getting right on it after he lost his job waiting close to 8 months before starting his search. So now both sexes have grounds to resent how much of their lives they spend with Toilet Duck in . Yes, this also means he has been unemployed for the entirety of our new marriage. I wish you well. He needs to FEEL THE PAIN of his choice not to work. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. That bloody ( favorite aussie swear word) hope that things would get better always sat there but good god the drought will break before that and noone knows when that will happen. Maybe when I wake up, hell have a job. Biggest mistake I EVER made. I know the depression and anxiety that can come from not having a job and the guikt others place on you. I also worked until i had a horrible crush injury to my ankle n both bones in my leg which led to permanent social security disability income. Im having to deal with it and as much as I know that it was my fault for not adhering to the warnings, I cant stop feeling so resentful and bitter. Hopeless. I know how it feels and wish there was someone I could talk to whose having the same problem. #10: You're blamed when things go wrong. I don't go out much and I'm just drained. I pray for God to send me a si gn for guidance and strength. Try doing that and having no time to yourself because suddenly they are there all. Maybe I have been too patient and supportive and should have been a nag all along, but that would have been contrary to who I am :-(. Im 39 and he is 40 and he might have worked 3 years in total. I got my Associates Degree while my man worked and supported our two kids and myself. So now he had been back since then, we arent even really in a relationship anymore, it feels more like room mates, who share a bed, (rarely sex). I am back to update my previous post (#76). Every key should find the right key hole for themselves otherwise the lock will not open. Yes Im in the boat with other women. Women have always been the nurturing caretakers of a family, and still are to this day. My bf is 26 and no degree and no job. So he has these epic histrionics, I try to stay quiet no matter how much venom and nastiness he spews at me, and then he forgives me the next day. I have no words to describemy husband is unemployed (and has been for nearly 4 years) and it has been the hardest thing ever! One thing for sure..I will receive no medals for my efforts to try and make this marriage work. Ive been battling enough as it is with his alcoholism, which I knew he drank in the beginning. My husband has been unemployed for 18 months. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. I wouldnt care if after 90 days he left and found another job, but the fact that he always acted like it was beneath him and was always pissed just to be there performing the duties of the job. Things arent always as they appear. Anyhow, I am SOO frustrated with the sight of him sitting ALL day on that computer I feel like I am married to a fixture in this house. I think thats the bad time that we have to honor in our marriage vow. The Advice Therapists Give When One Spouse Does All The - HuffPost It is what it is. We are in our thirties. In the first year he was in a pretty bad car accident and broke some ribs and collarbone. But things does not change. People you view as lazy, nothing happening bums. May be tirelessly working to improve themselves and their situations, but you just dont or wont see it. If I wanted money, I wouldve kicked him out 8+ years ago when he left his job. Part of HuffPost Relationships. Thanks! I wouldnt work even if I were physically able! He has not held a steady job in the entire 2 years that weve lived here. Because of COVID it wont be easy for us to leave anytime soon and he has said if we separate hes taking off regardless of the rent or other bills we have to pay essentially leaving me and the kid to fend for ourselves. I am unhappy with his family what kind of family does a man like that come from? I was hoping for 10 or even 20x that. The ignorance of certain people about the hiring process and that sometimes there are more factors involved that go beyond the person who isnt hired is appalling. If you suffer from some Doctor diagnosed condition which prevents you from doing more and you are actively participating in treatmentthen this thread isnt directed at you. The wife still try to make her partner find full time/part time work, or make them do more house work . I know some of the things you are thinking right now. During the last 8 months I have secured 3 PT teaching contracts and together with my government unemployment check (Canada) I am able to pay all bills. He sometimes mentions trying to pass the time during the day, and I just think to myself: DUST SOMETHING. The simple answer is "yes," there is a direct link between unemployment and a higher risk of divorce, especially when the husband is unemployed. My boyfriend of two and a half years- has not worked. Why My Husband Comes From Work And Does Nothing - Sufili We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. If I have a day off, thats one days pay we go without. Im in the same boat. Whereas my Mercedes (car) is driven by my husband. I just break down in tears reading these stories. Attitude can have a lot to do with it as well. You know them. Which we lived on there property in a guest house for 4 years! My mom was annoyed that I tried to encourage my mom to ask more details about his prospective son-in-law. I was fired from a great job in the housing building materials industry in 2010. I am ready to move on and I told him. He has gotten marginally better at being a dad. 1. He does get a very nice lifestyle and Im talking mansions and 90,000 cars provided by his family member who plays in the NFL. You deserve a good life. We had a bathroom . Now, dont get me wrong, I am all about improving skills. It's likely that you both done place equal importance on household chores. If one of you prefers to do chores on the weekend and the other wants to relax, this can lead to anger and resentment from both sides. I am the bread-winner and only make about $55K. You can just search free behavioral health care in your state on Google. Well you should follow your heart,sometimes its not like he doesnt want a better life he just needs a push in a right direction.Do listen to your parents they dont want to see you suffer while they have raised you well believe me ul hate your life.